Chapter 6: Radiaton

During my never-ending search to find myself, I hit rock bottom emotionally. I became extremely depressed and drove people away. I became so alone, shut off in my own world of insanity, I became so desperate for a way out I became suicidal. My world became a dark place and the only way I could get out my emotions was with poetry. I wrote many poems, some about misery, depression, pain, life and poems about death. My poetry, in a way, pulled me apart from the rest of the world. The pen and paper would never betray me but the more I got into it the deeper and deeper I sank, until I could no longer feel life. Eventually people began to realize there was something wrong. About F**n Time, I had been having suicide thoughts for months, I was ready to destroy myself.

This Curse (Radiation)

A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

I used to think life would be perfect, never a frown on my face
I’d have a perfect figure and always travel with grace,
I could pick my man from a catalogue that’s grown fit for a queen
I never thought that the people I loved could ever be so mean.

Life kind of just hit me not waiting ‘til I was ready
Knocked me from my stance in which I was so steady
It changed me as a person, a person that’s not me
It has changed me into everything I don’t want to be.
Sometimes I just can’t grasp it with the help of all my friends
It’s like trying to wrap your arms around a tree that never ends.

When I look in the mirror I despise what I see
The person staring back doesn’t resemble me,
She’s quite a different person with her heart so out of place
She becomes invisible when the tears run down her face.

She built a wall of shame around her soul and lets no one in
She can fool you with her smile even though she cries within.
She keeps her feeling locked up in her heart,
When she’s all alone is when she falls apart.

I act as if I have it together and everything is in place
But when you’re not looking the tears begin to race
While people surround me I pretend not to care
My heart bleeds in pain when they are not there.

When my stomach gurgles with rage, you think its indigestion
But what is broken is more the appropriate question.
What is broken cannot be fixed so don’t worry my friend
I’ll take this curse from the beginning to the very end.
Help me if you can listen, help me if you will
But I can’t cure this curse because there is no pill.

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I Live a Lie

A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

I live alone,
I live a lie
Awaiting the day I say goodbye
Whenever I turn around disaster strikes,
Pins and needles, knives and spikes.

Just when you think things couldn’t get worse
I’m smacked in the face with this curse
Whirled around till I’m miserable once more,
Shaken until my body collapses on the floor.

In my room I can escape
And mold my worries into shape
I cry in pain until I just can’t any more
And listen to music to ease the sore.

Knowing it will all come back again
Sunshine pierced by pouring rain
Like tears of sadness splashing down on joy
Emotions are unpredictable as a toy.

At its mercy like a puppet on a string
A trapped dove without wings
On my head, always alone
Maybe one day I can fly home
Fly high looking down on this pain
Maybe one day I’ll be happy again.
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Other poems of interest for Radiation:

My SoulIf Someone CaredI’ve Changed So Much

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Chapter 7: A Child’s Bittersweet Victory