It’s Hard to Let Go of Work

I grew up with an American ideal 
Our worth lies in paying for our lives
Through moving ahead and hard work,
Which can mean many things –
Balance between family and labor
Is what I was taught, and to be
Ambitious, reliable, self-sufficient. 

Yet healing disease a full-time gig,
I am not able to do much else.
I have so many appointments,
Doctors and tests,
Supplements, medicinal complements,
Many things to do to keep living, stifle pain,
There’s little income for paying bills. 

I rely on my parents again, set-aside savings,
My spouse’s insurance and nonprofit grants.

             I feel guilty.
How do I reconcile with how I was raised,
My identity, worthiness, rearranged?

I need to release reins, let others help, then
Somewhere on the other side of this ride,
                                         Redefine work.

I will write poetry, 
Swim with dolphins,
Create art from my heart,
Assist disabled people,
Collect water samples to study a dying Earth.

I do not want to do one thing to earn money
For the sake of paying for a life that
May die too soon with regret about
How precious time has been spent. 

I will continue to slow down,
Cleeve to my dogs’ soft snores,
Give in, rest with them,
Be attentive to my husband’s words,
Cook nourishing food for us
And talk every day with a friend.

I refuse to rejoin an occupational treadmill
To upkeep an identity of the good girl
Who works for a boss called bills.

©️ 2024 Laura E. Garrard

Laura E. Garrard is a multiple myeloma thriver and published author living in the Northwest. Her poetry and prose have appeared in journals like The Madrona Project, Amethyst, Silver Birch, TulipTree Review, and others.