I Have Pleaded on My Knees

Asking God many times Why Me. 
Spent sleepless nights desperately searching
For inspiration, anything distracting or soothing.
Cried myself into depths of what life is about,
Felt utter dank despair fill my physical shell. 

Disconnected from the once thought healthy self,
Lost my course, sought a purpose to live.
Confounded by the pointlessness of it all,
If we have chosen paths for contribution,
Why are some lives casually curtailed?

Finally decide with my husband I can fathom
Going through this nightmare to be here for him.
This temporarily lifts the unbelievable weight
I have a disease that may at some point be terminal.

                                    –

So this is depression then, I can’t remain here –
A jail, a lie, as if someone brainwashed me
Away to an underworld, a slither of myself.
I can’t bear a boxed hell while living a slow decline. 

Pulling myself back to tangible facts
I blink my lids and look about,
Awake from the mire I become aware
The white plastered wall is there, solid.

I feel my breath rise and fall 
Then peer through the skylight blue,
Fir trees swaying in the peaceful stir.
I’m alive, open-eyed, cannot survive
Dwelling in thoughts of my mortality,

Must create hope within this cursed journey,
Gather information to determine my choices,
Repower my connection and inner knowing,
Kill the fear that every day
Infiltrates and stiffens my body.

Offer it as best I can
Into faith and Her unknown plan
That no matter what happens
Soon or who knows when
My reality is as it should be.

I resolve how I must now progress –
Continually release my control through breath
Into the infinite calming presence.
Return to endeavor, adventure, pleasure,
Learn who I am, experience wonder.
Consider others with more curiosity,
Ask them how and what they are doing.

©️ 2024 Laura E. Garrard

Laura E. Garrard is a multiple myeloma thriver and published author living in the Northwest. Her poetry and prose have appeared in journals like The Madrona Project, Amethyst, Silver Birch, TulipTree Review, and others.