I Can’t Go Back

Riffling unfiled records and bills
Somewhat organized in a warped box
I find photos never framed
From a family cruise in 2017,
Examine my unconcerned face –
Posing for cheesy pictures in
Baltic sea ports and evening gowns
Worn once upon a star.
If I could have warned her

This would be the last time
She swing-danced in 3-inch heels with Dad,
Enjoyed white wine with dinner,
Worked out on an elliptical without pain,
Would I tell her, in three years this body
Will betray your assumption,
Take away frivolity, fervent physicality
To hike, run, do yoga, jump,
Freedom to live every day
Without medication
And fear of an earlier death?

Would I have been grateful
If I had known what I would face
Or suffer longer than I have?

When I look into the mirror
Tomorrow morning,
I will warn her of what
She may not know, tell her
Enjoy your plum skin,
Beats, breaths, small pains.
Today’s rise to set
May be the worst or best,
Relish your health
As it is.

©️ 2024 Laura E. Garrard

Laura E. Garrard is a multiple myeloma thriver and published author living in the Northwest. Her poetry and prose have appeared in journals like The Madrona Project, Amethyst, Silver Birch, TulipTree Review, and others.