Suffer the Questions

1.
In the beginning questions loom,
Why, why me, why now?
An experience like this
Must have a larger purpose –
Because one person can’t seem
To hold so much shock, grief,
Pain, and inconvenience. 

Shouldn’t there be a reason?
This question blames the patient.
Healing and its rigors,
Endless difficult decisions,
Ad nauseam appointments,
Countless medical confrontations,
Time and blood-sucking applications
Are price enough.
Living is the purpose.

2.
Healing disease requires full focus
On oneself – a pointed poignancy.
Determination and choosing life
Come in the middle of the night.
I don’t know if there is a choice
But it seems so in desperation,
When you wake, the nightmare is real,
Answer the question, Am I worth it?
Declare into the dark mind
I want to keep living!

3.
Questions stop being as relevant
Once acceptance places an arm
Around shrugged shoulders.
The sigh of What do I need to do?
Follows, and demands dissolve
Into compassionate assistance
And demonstrations of loved ones,
From getting real conversations to
A best friend flying across
The country to offer comfort. 

4.
Who am I, now that my life
Has completely changed?
Those who love you remind
You who you are to them
And what you have been.
To know you are truly loved
Can be a gift of serious illness.
Overwhelming is a diagnosis
Overshadowed only
By acute awareness
Of every shooting star
And supportive message. 

There is a superpower of focus
On the overlooked nuances,
The dog’s sweater smell,
Your partner’s subtle eye sparkle
Expressing he thinks you’re adorable,
Punctuated beauty of landscapes
You drive through over and over.
Old movies seem refreshed,
You notice scenes and lines
That somehow escaped you for years.
Awake, layers of past conflict cleared,
Days play in high-res color plasma.

To live with such gratitude
And compressed priorities
Extends autonomy in choices
Like vocation and spending,
Voicing oneself openly.
Full freedom doesn’t come
Until wellness or death, though,
Except the liberty you develop
In the internal moment.

©️ 2024 Laura E. Garrard

Laura E. Garrard is a multiple myeloma thriver and published author living in the Northwest. Her poetry and prose have appeared in journals like The Madrona Project, Amethyst, Silver Birch, TulipTree Review, and others.