Jealousy on the Surface

I’m not proud of this
But it seems the thing to do
To confess to being jealous
Of just about everyone
Not facing imminent death.
How can close friends
Go to Disneyland
When my world
Is far from manicured? 

One who escaped
This putrid apple wrath
Is a sweet cousin of mine
Surviving colon cancer after
Week after week
Of chemo treatments
Two hours from her town.
She inspires me,
Living three years past prognosis.
I knew she would,
Cheered her every trip taken,
Her three daughters not forsaken. 

For a time, though,
I had to force myself to be glad
Watching the normal continued lives
Of friends on Facebook,
Taking their adventures once covid relaxed, 
Throwing off their protective masks,
Hiking their hikes without limps,
Taking deeper breaths in meditation,
Quiet self-discovery, higher climbs,
New pursuits in yoga stance.

Fake it until you make it, they say,
And this did, in the end, work, I guess –
I confess I chose to be glad for them,
The healthy, the having fun,
So I could rejoin them.
All of us deserve our sun.

If I told family, friends,
About my envy
They would understand
But then dismiss it –
You don’t exhibit that
victimized attitude, they’d say.
Partially, I agree. If I’m honest,
The deeper reality is more likely
     Hurt feelings –
About the everyday continuity
Of those supposed to care about me.
I picture myself a gray shadow silhouette,
My image edited from their color photographs.
Where is my paper doll smile?
I feel cut out, already a ghost.

I try to cast thoughts
Like these from my harbor,
     But I confess on behalf
     Of those who have felt similar
That now or when gone,
     I may not matter that much –
She was a nice person.
What do you want on the pizza?
I’m sorry to be so crass,
Yet people move on quickly
For various necessities.
     Life is like that. 

But I declare I will live,
Maybe longer than some. 

I will live long enough to forgive
The ways in which I seem forgotten,
     And having to hard-earn
     A master’s in acceptance.

©️ 2024 Laura E. Garrard

Laura E. Garrard is a multiple myeloma thriver and published author living in the Northwest. Her poetry and prose have appeared in journals like The Madrona Project, Amethyst, Silver Birch, TulipTree Review, and others.