The Four Seasons of Having Cancer-Fall

This season is truly living up to its name,
As everything begins to Fall - tears, hair, hopes & leaves
Almost as if all of the colorful trees,
Stole the colors from the insides of me

Everyone’s celebrating my “victory”,
The doctors tell me I’m lucky to have had a body so young & strong
But what about my young, juvenile heart,
What if it can’t be as tough - would it be so wrong?

But I need to ‘move on’; so I leave home,
Ready to immerse myself into the American college ecosystem
But every time I look at my bald head in the mirror,
I go back to feeling like a dependent, a patient, a victim,

Nonetheless, I should be thankful,
so thankful To have made it this far
So I wear a wig and fill in my eyebrows,
High waisted pants that hide my (still tender) giant surgical scar

New friends, new surroundings, new beginnings,
Is the philosophy I was trying to follow
But how do I develop meaningful connections when such a big part of me is unknown,
Every new person’s understanding of me seems so shallow

So most of my time is spent in my room,
As I rely on support from my friends back home
But as distance & time zones come in the way,
Daily breakdowns become the new norm

My google results show up ‘post-chemo depression’,
I didn’t know there was a saga to this nightmare
After all the trauma my friends & family shared with me,
I’m not ready to give them another scare

Perhaps I was in too much of a rush,
My body fought it off, but my mind still needs to heal
Green to yellow to red, the leaves teach me
To slow down, stop, and let myself feel.