The Four Seasons of Having Cancer-Summer

I can’t believe this is happening to me,
My friends & I had so many plans for when it got hotter
When we dreamed of going to the amusement park,
I didn’t think I’d be put on a real-life emotional rollercoaster

I can’t fathom, that as I speak,
Something grows inside to kill me
“The size of a tennis ball” - a tumor so big,
That I need not just surgery, but also chemotherapy

I can’t help but wonder if my body feels as betrayed by me, as I do by it,
Especially after five long days of no food or water in my bloodstream
Throbbing, prickling, stabbing, gnawing - pains so bad,
That even my voice is scared to escape in the form of a scream

I can’t tell what pierces my skin more,
The countless needles or the Sun’s strong rays
Between hospital admissions and discharges,
I seem to have lost my tab of days

I can’t process my emotions, so my loved ones & I just ignore it,
We pretend like nothing’s wrong, and frankly, it’s a great escape
But sometimes my body is so weak that I collapse at the dining table,
And catch all the pitiful looks & worried gapes

I can’t help but be envious of my peers,
(Not that I would ever wish this upon even my worst enemy)
But how is it fair that they get to be their most carefree selves,
While I have to sit and accept my unfortunate destiny?

I can’t not begin to think of what led me here,
Even though I know going down this road will lead me nowhere
Was it the one time I ate dessert for a week? Or the time I didn’t put on sunscreen?
The hundreds of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ seem to be heavier than the humid air

I can’t believe this diagnosis,
I can’t even say the word, How did I miss all of my body’s little innuendos?
I loved the Sun with all its brightness, But all it seems to do, this Summer, is cast shadows.